Chapter 48: Rudella’s Desire #2
With those words, she quietly lowered her head. The moment the words she had just uttered left her lips and sliced through the air, it felt as though her entire body had frozen.
Her impulsive confession brought a suffocating tension.
However, she did not regret it. On the contrary, she felt a sense of relief. And yet… she was both afraid and expectant.
“……”
“……”
The silence weighed heavily on the air. No sound could be heard, as if the entire world was holding its breath, waiting for his reply.
Rudella couldn’t lift her head. She couldn’t imagine what expression he might be wearing. If it was one of disappointment, or worse, a cold, unfeeling face…
The thought alone was crushing her.
Her heart continued its steady rhythm, indifferent to her turmoil, but her breathing grew shallow.
Yohan.
He silently gazed at her bowed figure, unable to speak, unsure of what to say.
Although he had doubted it for some time, Yohan had vaguely sensed that Rudella harbored feelings for him beyond mere goodwill.
But… for her to confess her feelings so earnestly, he had never anticipated this.
Why?
She was the Crown Prince’s fiancée. She was destined to become the Crown Princess, and eventually the Empress, who would oversee the empire.
“I…”
Yohan struggled to open his mouth, but quickly closed it again. He could see from Rudella’s trembling shoulders and the bright red flush of her ears just how sincere she was.
“……”
When no response came for a long while, Rudella slowly raised her head. Her sky-blue eyes met Yohan’s. He looked deeply troubled.
And yet, for some reason… Rudella liked seeing him like that.
It meant he saw her as a woman and was deeply affected by her confession.
“…Lady Bismarck.”
“Go ahead.”
“My apologies, but I cannot accept your feelings.”
“…I know.”
Rudella smiled faintly. She knew as much. She knew the man in front of her would never betray his lover.
But still…
But still, she couldn’t bear not expressing her feelings.
The emotions that had begun impulsively had grown into an uncontrollable desire, a desperate longing.
If she had continued suppressing them as she always had, she knew she would have fallen ill from the weight of them.
“…Why did you tell me this? It’s something you could have hidden for a lifetime.”
Yohan couldn’t understand her. Despite knowing their relationship might crumble, she still confessed her feelings.
She, the woman destined to become the Crown Princess, and he, a man waiting for his engagement to the lady of House Fervache.
Rudella must have known it was impossible.
“…Because I wanted to remain in your heart, even if just a little.”
Rudella smiled faintly as she looked at him. Her gaze was filled with tenderness.
Though impulsive, her confession was born from a small selfish desire. Even if they could not be together, she wanted to linger in his memory as a fleeting fragment.
“Lately, I haven’t been able to focus on anything. My thoughts are constantly consumed by you.”
She continued speaking. Despite the heavy breaths that accompanied her rising emotions, she didn’t stop.
“The reason I keep blushing, the reason I can’t meet your gaze… It’s all because I like you.”
Yohan listened quietly. The sincerity of her emotions, so pure in their form, made it hard for him to respond.
“Every time I think of you, I feel my heart race. Your smile keeps coming to mind, and I can’t forget the warmth of your hand when we held it. The memories of walking together through the capital are so precious that I can’t focus on anything else.”
Rudella’s condition was a profound one.
A illness so consuming it could shake one’s rationality and drag them into a dark abyss.
“…You are the first person I ever held feelings for. I like you for caring about me. I like you for seeing me as just Rudella, without any expectations.”
Rudella swallowed hard, feeling as though a boulder were being forced down her throat.
She hadn’t expected a positive response. In fact, she hadn’t even dared to imagine what kind of reply might come.
Yet, the more she spoke, the greedier she became. If she could make an irresistible proposal, perhaps, just perhaps, he might look her way.
Rudella summoned her courage.
“However, if you were to accept my feelings… I would do everything for you. I would become the Crown Princess, pour all my power into your hands, and even offer women to you if that’s what you wanted.”
Yohan flinched. His brow twitched slightly as if he was unsure he’d heard her correctly.
“What…?”
“I mean I would become Empress and give you everything.” she said firmly.
“Is that your true intention, Lady Bismarck?”
“It is. This is the best I can offer you.”
Yohan froze in shock. Seeing his expression, Rudella carefully gauged his reaction before adding, “You would become the most powerful man in the empire. Any woman you desire could be yours. And I… I would be yours as well. Surely, that is a compelling proposal, no?”
…Was this woman in her right mind?
Yohan’s expression hardened.
He could understand her confessing her feelings. After all, she couldn’t hold onto them forever, and releasing them might have been a relief.
But the words she had just spoken were nothing short of an insult.
“You’re saying you’d become Empress and keep me as a concubine. Is that what you’re proposing right now?”
Yohan’s voice was low and calm, but beneath it lay a growing fury.
“Is that how you feel about me? That you could buy my love with power and women?”
His sharp, cold gaze bore into her. Rudella’s shoulders trembled under the weight of it.
“This is… highly offensive.”
Realizing that Yohan had completely misunderstood her intentions, Rudella frantically shook her head.
“No! That wasn’t my intention at all! I only said that to present you with a more appealing option. I never meant to insult you, not for a moment…!”
But her desperate denial meant little to Yohan, who took a deep breath and closed his eyes. His next words, cold and measured, struck her like a whip.
“You didn’t mean to insult me? Then why? Why would you even make such a proposal? Do I seem like that kind of person to you?”
“I…”
When his gaze fell on her again, Rudella saw something in Yohan’s eyes for the first time—both anger and disappointment.
“I was a fool to expect anything better from you. It was naïve of me to think that someone who’s spent a lifetime living as someone else’s puppet could change their values so easily.”
Rudella’s lips parted slightly. Her breath came out in uneven gasps, as cold as Yohan’s expression.
“Listen carefully. The only reason I showed you kindness was that I pitied you. I wanted you to stop living as someone else’s tool, to find your own worth.”
Yohan had gone to great lengths to visit Topaz Palace late at night, trying to ensure that Rudella wouldn’t crumble under the weight of her circumstances.
He had hoped she wouldn’t become a pawn used to block the path of Francia or himself.
He didn’t want to see her ruin her life by making foolish choices at the whim of others.
“But you’re still trapped, clinging to the idea that you must become the Crown Princess.”
His hopes for her had been thoroughly dashed.
“It’s your life, so I have no right to intervene. But if you’re going to confess your feelings, the least you could do is be resolute and sincere about them.”
Yohan swept his hand through his hair, his face as cold as ice.
“To offer power and women in exchange for my heart… Is that what you think love is? Do you truly believe you can keep me as your concubine?”
“No, that’s not it…! That wasn’t my intention at all…! Please, believe me…”
Rudella shook her head desperately, her trembling eyes glistening as though tears might fall at any moment.
“I…!”
She was being honest. If he chose her, she was willing to give up her position as Crown Princess and sever ties with the Bismarck family. That wasn’t a lie.
But in her mind, if she discarded everything, Yohan would have no reason to choose her. Without power, there would be no benefit to keeping her by his side.
“There’s nothing more to say.”
Yohan shook his head once more, his expression heavy with disappointment.
“…It was my mistake to even expect for a moment that you could free yourself from being Bismarck’s puppet.”
Yohan simply wished for her to live her own life, free from the influence of others.
He pitied the woman who lived as her fiancé’s pawn and the Bismarck family’s puppet, threatened and manipulated into submission. She was too pitiful.
That’s where his sympathy began. It wasn’t born from affection, nor from any feelings beyond kindness.
“A-ah, no… I…”
Rudella hung her head low, her lips barely moving. Her trembling fingers hovered aimlessly in the air.
“Rudella Bismarck. You are neither a mere errand girl for the Crown Prince nor a puppet for the Bismarck family.”
Yohan gave her one last piece of advice.
“Listen carefully. The reason you think you need to become the Crown Princess isn’t because you love him—it’s because your family demands it.”
Rudella stared at Yohan blankly, her face vacant, her eyes unfocused.
“You’ve likely been afraid of disappointing others because you’ve grown up being told you’d become the Crown Princess since you were a child.”
Yohan’s voice was sharp, cutting through her thoughts like a blade. She hated it—hated the sharpness in the tone of someone who once looked at her so gently. His warmth, now turned cold, was unbearable.
“Think carefully, Rudella Bismarck. You are the one who is alive, breathing, thinking, and making decisions right now.”
Yet, even so, part of her found his words comforting. Despite his cutting tone, he still cared.
“If you want to be honest about your feelings, if you truly want something, don’t let your family control you. Choose with your heart—it’s your life.”
With that, Yohan turned his back on her, leaving her with his final words.
“…I won’t come to see you again, so refrain from summoning me for assigned missions. Lady Bismarck, I’ve taken enough of your time.”
His final words drew an unmistakable line between them.
Without looking back, he walked away. The sound of his footsteps grew more distant. Yet Rudella couldn’t bring herself to stop him.
The disappointment in his demeanor was all too evident.
This wasn’t her intention…
How had it come to this?
Expressing her feelings was something she was terribly inept at, leading her to make a terrible mistake with her words. She had insulted the person she cherished most.
She resented herself for being this way, for saying what she didn’t mean.
She thought confessing her feelings would be enough, but she grew greedy with expectations. That greed led her to say things she shouldn’t have.
She feared that if she didn’t act now, she would lose him forever.
To give him a reason to choose her, she had made such a proposition. After all, in her own mind, she was worthless without being “Lady Bismarck.”
“This wasn’t how it was supposed to be…”
Rudella sighed, her breath scattering in the cold air. The chill wind crept into her collar, yet she didn’t feel the cold at all.
The solitude of being left alone in a garden filled with white lilies was far colder.
Her foolish words had pushed Yohan away. No matter how much she regretted it, she couldn’t take them back.
“Ah…”
Rudella collapsed to the ground as if her legs had given out. The biting winter wind brushed against her cheeks, but it was no colder than Yohan’s parting words.
His retreating figure lingered in her vision. When he turned his back on her, she knew—he would never look back again.
“Why did it end up like this…”
In the garden where the white lilies drooped their heads, only she remained.
Under the frozen, indifferent moonlight, there was nothing to comfort her.
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