Episode 47: Rudella’s Desire
At that moment, in Topaz Palace.
Rudella was, as usual, buried in paperwork while lost in distracting thoughts.
Most of the documents were related to the Imperial family—plans and procedures for banquets, official events, and receptions for foreign delegations.
But none of it was registering in her mind. Sweet yet fresh memories kept surfacing, making it impossible for her to focus on anything.
This was an experience unlike anything Rudella had encountered in her 20 years of life.
Whenever she thought about the time spent with him, her face would flush, her heart would race, and an aching warmth would spread through her.
And yet, that bittersweet feeling made her strangely happy, as if she wanted to remain in this state forever.
Uncontrollable longing and desire had consumed her.
To maintain this state, to keep feeling this excitement, she couldn’t stop thinking about Yohan Harsen.
She vividly remembered everything—walking hand in hand through the capital, his smile in the cave, the warmth they shared even with the briefest touch.
She hadn’t forgotten a single thing.
She didn’t want to forget.
“…Haah.”
Eventually, Rudella let out a sigh.
From that moment on, her life felt no different from wandering through a foggy, poison-filled forest.
She had become addicted, bit by bit, to Yohan Harsen. By the time she regained her senses, it was already too late to escape.
“Just a little more… This much is okay, isn’t it? It’s still within acceptable limits, right?”
Such complacent thoughts had slowly overtaken her.
‘This is… really serious.’
Rudella chuckled softly. This should have been a troublesome situation, but she didn’t feel troubled at all.
The emotions she was experiencing were new and thrilling, and the faint sense of anticipation only made her feel even better.
‘I might not be able to turn back anymore.’
Though she had always been adept at controlling her emotions and suppressing her desires, she wasn’t sure she could anymore.
The sweetness of this newfound emotion was too intoxicating to forget.
Why did it make her chest ache so much?
Why did simply thinking about it make her so happy?
But… Rudella knew.
She couldn’t see this feeling through to its conclusion.
He was someone else’s. He was in a relationship with Lady Fervache, and they were soon to be wed.
And Rudella herself was destined to become the crown princess, the future empress of the empire.
Of course, there was a way.
If Yohan chose her, Rudella was willing to sever ties with her family and give up her position as the crown princess.
Even if it meant all that remained was the name Rudella, she didn’t care.
As long as she could be with Yohan, losing all her rights and privileges wouldn’t matter.
That’s how cruel yet sweet the illness called love was.
But…
Sadly, Yohan Harsen would never choose her.
He was too upright to betray his lover under any circumstances.
“Why… does the heavens have to be so indifferent?”
Rudella murmured quietly as she gazed out the window. The moon, now fully risen, bathed the world in its soft light.
The more her desire and longing grew, the more she found herself wanting.
At first, just watching him from afar was enough, and simply thinking about him made her happy. But now, she truly wanted him.
Yet, she knew her feelings would never reach him.
He would never accept her heart.
‘If only… I were Lady Fervache.’
As Rudella pushed aside the documents she had been handling, she quietly admired the view outside.
Knock, knock.
A servant of the Topaz Palace knocked on her door.
“My lady, you have a visitor. They are waiting at the entrance to Topaz Palace.”
“Visitor?”
Rudella tilted her head in confusion. At this hour, who could possibly come to Topaz Palace?
She saw the empress every morning, and the crown prince would never visit the palace under any circumstances.
“Who is it?”
“It’s Special-Class Mage Harsen.”
“!!!”
At the mention of that name, Rudella felt her heart drop. A shiver ran through her body like lightning.
Why had he come to see her?
But that question didn’t matter at the moment.
“Tell him… Tell him to wait a moment.”
Rudella hurriedly rose from her seat and stood before the mirror hanging on the wall.
She fixed her slightly messy hair and meticulously checked her makeup to ensure there was nothing amiss.
Only after confirming everything was perfect did she give an answer.
“Hmm… Let him in to Topaz Palace.”
“Understood.”
After giving those instructions, Rudella couldn’t help but clench and unclench her hands, touch her lips, and gently tap her cheeks with her fingertips.
She would occasionally glance out the window, wondering if she might catch a glimpse of Yohan.
She checked herself in the mirror, turning her head to see if she looked presentable.
After a few minutes of restless anticipation, a servant finally knocked on the door.
“Milady, Master Harsen, the special-class mage, has arrived.”
“…Let him in.”
With a soft click, the door opened, revealing a man. His dark blue hair shimmered faintly, and his deep blue eyes were unmistakable. It was Yohan Harsen.
“It’s been a while, Lady Bismarck.”
He greeted her politely with a slight smile. Seeing his smile, Rudella’s lips quivered momentarily. She swallowed hard before responding.
“…Welcome.”
Rudella swallowed back the words I’ve missed you that were on the tip of her tongue.
She barely suppressed the emotions that threatened to burst forth, but within her, they had already crossed the line countless times.
Yet, she remained silent for one reason alone—she feared this moment might shatter if she spoke.
“May I sit?”
“P-please, make yourself comfortable.”
When Yohan took a seat on the sofa, Rudella sat across from him.
“I will prepare some tea.”
Even though she hadn’t given any instructions, a servant from Topaz Palace entered with a tea cart and began setting up the tea service.
The room filled with the delicate aroma of flowers and herbs as steam wafted from the teacups.
“…What brings you here today?”
Rudella finally spoke after the servant had left the room.
“I had some business at the imperial palace, and I heard some news about you, Lady Bismarck. So, I decided to visit while I was in the area.”
Rudella tilted her head slightly.
“News?”
“Yes.”
Yohan sipped his tea and continued.
“His Highness the Crown Prince mentioned it. He said you’ve been losing focus lately and seemed distracted. I was worried it might be lingering effects from that attack, so I came to check on you.”
Rudella’s lips twitched faintly. Was he saying he was worried about her? The thought made her heart swell with joy.
Just the fact that she had crossed his mind, even in this way, meant that her name was etched somewhere in his thoughts.
“It’s not aftereffects… Just… I’ve had a lot on my mind lately.”
“Is that so?”
Yohan set down his teacup and studied her carefully. Even under his gaze, her heart pounded wildly.
“As long as it’s nothing serious, that’s a relief.”
He smiled softly, and Rudella fidgeted with her fingers, her eyes darting around the room.
Did he know? Did he have any idea why she had become this way? Probably not.
Or perhaps he had an inkling—her actions had been far from subtle.
Yet, he was here, asking about her well-being, likely because of his kind and gentle nature.
“Have you been unable to focus today as well?”
Yohan’s eyes fell on her desk, where untouched piles of documents were stacked high.
“I’ve been like this for days now. I can’t seem to focus at all…”
Rudella sipped her tea, avoiding his gaze.
“What’s been on your mind?”
“That’s…”
She couldn’t say it. How could she admit that thoughts of him constantly occupied her mind, leaving her unable to function?
It wasn’t simply because such words would cross a boundary. She was mortified at the idea of confessing something so personal to him.
“If it’s difficult to share, you don’t have to. Everyone has their own worries, after all.”
Thankfully, he didn’t press her further. Rudella felt a sense of relief, though it was tinged with a faint sense of disappointment.
If their conversation had continued just a little further… she might have mustered the courage to confess her feelings to him.
‘…No.’
The thought didn’t last long. It was an impossible notion.
Her desire to be closer to him might jeopardize the fragile connection they had now.
“I’m glad to see you’re doing well. I should take my leave.”
As Yohan began to rise from his seat, Rudella’s eyes widened, and she looked at him.
“You’re leaving already?”
“Yes, I only stopped by to say hello today.”
“……”
Rudella’s hand hovered in the air. The desire to hold him back clashed with the rationality that told her she shouldn’t.
But… why was it?
She didn’t want to let him go. The longing to spend more time with him held her captive.
Was it because she had thought of him for so long? She could no longer suppress the yearning rising within her.
Rudella gathered her courage and made a suggestion.
“…Would you care to walk in the garden?”
“The garden?”
“Yes.”
Feeling the heat rise to her cheeks, Rudella quickly turned her head, worried he might see how flushed she had become.
“Sometimes… I like to get some fresh air.”
“……”
When no reply came, Rudella hastily added more words, stumbling over them awkwardly.
“The lilies have bloomed beautifully. They’re so lovely that… I thought I’d like to show them to you. Ah, if you’re busy or have no time, it’s fine if you don’t come… This is just a simple suggestion, after all…”
She didn’t even know what she was saying. She was just rambling, adding whatever came to mind to avoid sounding strange to him.
“Will you leave?”
Rudella cautiously lifted her gaze and met Yohan’s eyes. His deep blue eyes seemed to pull her in, making her feel as if her very soul was being drawn.
Thump. Thump.
Her heart pounded. Her fingertips twitched, opening and closing repeatedly, while her lips trembled slightly.
She wished he would understand the meaning behind her suggestion to walk in the garden together, yet she also wished he would remain oblivious forever.
Rudella was constantly torn between uncontrollable desires and the restraint of reason, unable to decide for herself.
“Hmm…”
Yohan checked the watch on his wrist, then nodded slightly.
“All right. If it’s just a brief stroll in the garden, that should be fine.”
When he accepted her suggestion, the corners of Rudella’s lips lifted ever so slightly. It was the most restrained expression of her feelings she could muster.
“Then let’s head out right away.”
As Rudella stood and prepared to leave, Yohan stopped her for a moment.
“It’s cold. You should ask a servant to bring a coat.”
Winter was fast approaching. Though it wasn’t yet cold enough for snow to fall, the chill in the air was unmistakable.
“Oh… You’re right.”
Rudella nodded and rang the bell. As the soft chime resonated, a servant entered the room.
“Bring a coat.”
***
The moon hung high in the night sky.
The gentle moonlight cast its glow over the garden but couldn’t fully erase the shadows of winter lingering in the flowerbeds.
The pure white lilies drooped their heads, weighed down by the approaching winter.
As the soft moonlight touched their petals, it seemed to take on a faint crimson hue.
That’s when Rudella realized. It was her gaze, flushed with warmth, that made them appear that way.
“It’s even more beautiful than when I last saw it.” Yohan said as they walked through the garden. His attention was wholly focused on the lily garden.
“It’s because of the magic spell. By April next year… it’ll become even more beautiful.”
“Because that’s the season for lilies?”
“Indeed.”
Rudella subtly moved her hand closer to his, drawn to the warmth emanating from his fingertips amidst the winter breeze.
With just a small movement of her fingers, she could touch him, but even that short distance filled her with trepidation.
In that moment, Yohan turned his head and looked at her. Startled, Rudella hastily withdrew her hand, her face flushing red.
He spoke.
“When that time comes, Lady Bismarck will surely shine even brighter. No one suits lilies more than you.”
The sudden compliment made her heart feel as though it had stopped.
“Ah…”
The emotions she had long restrained and suppressed through reason completely crumbled in that instant.
He didn’t know. He couldn’t know how much his casual words caused a storm within her.
For Rudella, Yohan’s voice, his smile, and even this quiet moment walking together in the garden were all immensely precious.
She asked herself.
She had endured so much until now. How much longer must she suppress herself?
The answer was already clear. Her yearning grew stronger, and the desires she had kept coldly restrained ignited into a blazing fire, consuming her heart.
At this moment, she wished she could be everything to him. In the name of love, she longed to grasp this man who endlessly left her parched.
“Special-Class Mage Harsen.”
“Yes.”
When Rudella called his name, Yohan looked at her with his usual calm expression.
“I…”
Her lips felt dry and cracked, her tongue heavy as though it belonged to someone else.
Why had stringing together a single coherent thought suddenly become so difficult?
Rudella clenched her trembling hand tightly.
“I want you.”
Her voice trembled ever so slightly.
Though her breath was thin and fleeting, Rudella forced herself to swallow it back.
The breath that sank deep into her chest settled like a solid weight in her lungs. A simple act of breathing, yet for her, it was a testament to her unshakable resolve.
“…Become my man.”
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