Episode 29: Rudella Bismarck #4
Time had already slipped into the late hours of the night.
Rudella lay down on a flat surface, resting on the foliage Yohan had gathered. She knew she had to take any opportunity to get some proper sleep, as the future was uncertain.
“…….”
Yohan, now wearing his fully dried uniform, was on the opposite side, sitting with his eyes closed. He couldn’t afford to let his guard down, as the crown prince’s shadows could discover their location at any moment.
The cave was silent.
Crackle, crackle.
The sound of the campfire burning could be heard.
Drip, drip.
Outside, the heavy rain pelted the ground.
The awkward atmosphere made time seem to drag on, or was it just a feeling? Feeling stifled, Yohan stood up, intending to get some fresh air near the cave entrance.
“…Where are you going?”
Rudella, who had been lying with her back turned, rose halfway and called out to him. Her sky-blue eyes shimmered in the firelight.
“I was just going to get some air near the entrance.”
“…I see.”
“Did I wake you?”
“No, that’s not it.”
Rudella shook her head. Her face was filled with fatigue, yet she still possessed an almost unnerving beauty.
“It’s just… I couldn’t sleep.”
“Is it because the sleeping arrangements are uncomfortable?”
“That’s… probably part of it.”
It seemed like she wanted to say something but hesitated, fiddling with her fingers instead of speaking.
“…….”
Yohan glanced at her briefly before continuing to the cave entrance. The sound of the heavy rain grew louder as he approached.
Whoosh.
The cold wind brushed against his skin, washing away both his drowsiness and the awkwardness from before.
“Don’t you need to rest?”
Rustle.
Rudella fully sat up from the pile of leaves and approached Yohan. She settled across from him, hugging her knees, her head tilted slightly.
“I need to stay alert to protect Lady Bismarck. If I fall asleep, there won’t be anyone left to keep watch, and that could put us in danger.”
“To me, it seems fine enough…”
“And that’s exactly the point. Those trained in assassination and pursuit prey on such moments.”
Yohan locked eyes with Rudella. Her expression was faint, as though she might fall asleep at any moment.
“They’re probably tracking us even now. The rain might make it harder for them to find traces, but that doesn’t mean we can let our guard down. Carelessness leads to mistakes, and mistakes get us caught.”
Though it was just speculation, Yohan was certain—the shadow organization under the crown prince consisted of top-tier assassins.
Suspicion and vigilance were essential.
“…I see.”
“That’s how it is.”
Whoosh.
The rain poured down.
The white noise tickled their ears, the peculiar atmosphere brushing against their shoulders.
“Do you know who’s behind all of this?”
Out of nowhere, Rudella brought up a sensitive topic—one Yohan had deliberately avoided. But since she had mentioned it, there was no avoiding it now.
“I do.”
“Who do you think it is?”
Her probing question was met with Yohan’s gaze turning towards the cave’s entrance.
“I believe Lady Bismarck knows better than I do.”
Yohan had already noticed. Rudella, who had always been near the crown prince, assisting him in every possible way for political gain, couldn’t possibly be ignorant of the culprit.
The one orchestrating this incident.
“I’m not sure what you mean.”
“Lady Bismarck seems to be unaware of quite a few things.”
Yohan turned to look at Rudella. Her expression, which had been guarded and controlled, now darkened as her features grew tense.
“Are you pretending not to know, or do you truly not know?”
“……”
“No, let me guess. You’re just pretending not to know while turning a blind eye, aren’t you?”
Yohan’s serious gaze caused Rudella to let out a faint smile, unable to hold back her laughter. It was a hollow laugh.
“You’re perceptive.”
“It would be strange not to notice.”
Rudella slowly nodded her head.
“Yes, I know who the culprit is. Perhaps it’s the same person you’re thinking of, someone whose name we dare not speak, fearing the heavens themselves.”
As expected, she also knew that the crown prince was behind it.
“Will Lady Bismarck be all right?”
“What do you mean?”
“You know what I’m talking about, don’t you?”
If Rudella Bismarck was aware of the crown prince’s crimes, she could bring him down anytime—if she gathered enough evidence.
Of course, it wouldn’t be easy, given the involvement of so many noble families.
“I…”
Rudella turned her gaze toward the cave’s entrance and began to speak. Outside, the rain continued to pour relentlessly.
“I was born for the Bismarck family and have lived for the Bismarck family. That family’s goal is to support His Highness the Crown Prince and bring prosperity to the empire.”
The Bismarck Marquisate.
It was known as the head of the crown prince’s faction.
“This is the only path for me. Even if something doesn’t sit well with me, I have no choice but to suppress it in my heart. Because Rudella Bismarck, as an individual, has no existence of her own.”
Yohan remained silent, quietly listening to her words. Though they hadn’t known each other long, it was the first time Rudella spoke openly about herself.
“From the moment I was old enough to understand, my engagement had already been decided. From that point on, my life was set, and I’ve only done my best to fulfill it.”
Rudella’s life seemed to have everything except for herself.
“If His Highness the Crown Prince decides to kill me, then I will have no choice but to die. For now, I’m alive thanks to you, but someday, the outcome will catch up to me.”
“What kind of—”
Yohan’s mouth opened slightly. This woman was utterly broken. Like a clockwork mechanism whose gears had gone out of sync.
“My feelings don’t matter. I only follow the orders of the Bismarck family and support His Highness to ensure he doesn’t stray from the righteous path. That’s the reason I was born and the reason I live.”
Hearing her words, Yohan finally understood why the Rudella from the story appeared so indifferent to murder.
All her grievances were swallowed up. The emotions she couldn’t express were buried deep in her heart, piling up until they became a heavy stone.
Unreleased emotions festered, casting a shadow over her heart. In the end, all that remained was a knot of resentment.
If things continued this way, she would become her own kind of hell—a hell for anyone who stood in the way of her role.
Yohan clenched his fists tightly without realizing it.
A surge of indescribable emotion overcame him. Was it anger? Sadness? Sympathy?
“Emotions you can’t put into words tend to manifest through actions—like your current state.”
It was only after hearing Rudella’s words that Yohan became aware of his condition. He was gritting his teeth and clenching his fists.
It wasn’t just frustration over her circumstances. It was a mixture of sympathy, anger, and sadness—an unnamed, indescribable emotion.
“I’m fine. I’ve always been this way. I’ve long since understood that yearning for something unattainable is futile.”
Rudella gave a faint smile. It was a faint and fragile smile, but it was clear—she had given up long ago.
“…Would it be presumptuous of me to say something?”
“What is it?”
“I wouldn’t have lived like that.”
At those words, Rudella took a short breath. Yohan’s gaze seemed to penetrate deep into her soul.
“Rudella Bismarck, you are capable of standing on your own. You graduated at the top of your class in social sciences and have managed various tasks. You’ve always had the ability to step out of the Bismarck family’s shadow.”
Those words seemed to quietly knock on the long-frozen door of her heart.
“I understand it wouldn’t be easy. It’s tied to your family and countless responsibilities, making it hard even to attempt. But if it meant losing yourself entirely, I would have done something—anything.”
Living a life devoid of oneself, like Rudella, is akin to living in hell. In such a case, one would inevitably become hell itself.
“If you keep compromising, you’ll eventually lose the path back to yourself. It’s like walking through a toxic mist. Little by little, you become addicted to it. By the time you come to your senses, you’ll find yourself in a place you can’t escape.”
Suppressing one’s emotions corrodes the soul, turning it black and foul. That darkness seeps through, staining the blood itself.
“If you live a life of endless concessions, one day you’ll lose the very ground you stand on. Lady Rudella Bismarck, I hope you don’t lose yourself.”
The sound of rain continued to fall.
At the entrance of the cave, a gentle moonlight filtered in, softly illuminating Rudella’s hair.
Her silver locks flowed like waves, blending harmoniously with the moonlight.
Though the rain outside persisted, curiously, the storm within seemed to be calming.
“…That was an overstep. I apologize. But it was something I had to say. No, it was something I had to say for your sake.”
Even as Yohan apologized, he spoke without hesitation. His words weren’t mere comfort—they were an earnest plea for her to choose her own life.
“Truly presumptuous words. You’re only the second person to dare lecture me about my life—the first being the Crown Prince.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine. You saved my life, after all.”
Rudella couldn’t help but chuckle softly. She turned her gaze toward the cave’s entrance.
The rain continued to fall.
“Is that so? Was it something you had to say for my sake?”
A strange sensation of warmth sprouted in a corner of Rudella’s heart. The feeling was unfamiliar, like a tiny ember warming a soul long starved of emotion.
“How many people have ever said such words to me? Words spoken purely for my sake. Even my parents never said anything like that.”
Rudella unconsciously brushed her fingertips across her wrist. Her heart felt strangely ticklish, as if something long-frozen was beginning to thaw.
In her 20 years of life, how many had told her to live for herself?
None.
Even her parents demanded she fulfill her duties as a member of the Bismarck family. The Emperor told her to live for the Crown Prince.
Rudella had no life of her own. In yielding, compromising, and giving, she had lost her footing.
Though Yohan’s words had been undeniably presumptuous, Rudella found herself unable to refute them. They were all true.
She could step out of the shadows if she chose.
She could break off her engagement to the Crown Prince if she wanted.
But she hadn’t.
The reason was clear:
Her role would vanish.
She feared that losing her role would mean losing herself entirely.
Rudella gazed at Yohan’s face in silence. There was an odd sincerity within his composed demeanor. A faint warmth flickered in his deep blue eyes.
“…”
She gazed more deeply into Yohan’s eyes but then hesitated. It was because she found herself wanting to look into his eyes for longer and longer.
Flustered, she cast her gaze downward. It felt as though a small spark had ignited in her chest. The unfamiliar yet sweet confusion swirled within her heart.
Rudella clasped her hands tightly over her knees. The coldness she had clung to for so long seemed to be melting away.
The rain continued to fall.
Rudella quietly sat across from Yohan, watching the falling rain. His words echoed in her heart, leaving a gentle resonance behind.
That resonance seeped deeper and deeper, slowly softening her once-rigid heart.
‘If only I had someone like him by my side.’
The fleeting thought settled gently within her mind.
Before long, that thought transformed into a small hope, taking root in a corner of her heart.
The rain continued to fall.
But strangely enough, the sound of the rain no longer felt cold.
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